I wonder

/

What's it all about? I wonder.....

Being or Seeming

One of the Diggs I enjoyed today was (see list below from my Digg feed), the Importance of Being Yourself. This hit home for me yesterday in a wonderful workshop I attended at an art retreat here in Encinitas.

The theme was body acceptance, a teacher of West African Dance facilitated. We danced to the drums, did sculpture in clay and wrote and shared poems about our experience, all in am amazing setting on a hillside going down into a canyon, with beautiful plantings, art, a labyrinth, studio, and whimsical things to look at everywhere.


So you can try to look good doing things, be concerned more with form, with the delusion of perfection, with the abstract, with memories that hold you hostage, with stories someone told you about who you are and how things should be, or you can choose to dive in, let go, get wet, in the the juicy, unpredictable, sometimes messy experience called being alive.

Who we are is unique, and yet nothing human is unique. None of our secrets or skeletons are as unusual as we imagine they are.

Our pain is always evident to others, no matter how well we think we have it locked down and packed away. It leaks out, inevitably, through our tightly clenched jaws, our impassive expressions, the discordance in our words and expression.

So why not let it out? However works for you, talk, dance, cry, paint, scream to the heavens...find a good someone to hold you if you can...just don't leave it in there to damage your organs, corrode the walls of your blood vessels, twist your bowels, strain your relationships, dilute your life force.

So we can spend our life Seeming, or choose Being, albeit with responsibility and balance, and let the chips fall where they may.

If Jail is the Big New Hollywood Career Move...

is there new ironic meaning to the old phrase she ''can't even get arrested''?

What does that mean for Nicole Richie's..er, ''career''? will she get some real lift off now, with the 82 minutes of time served? She sure looks happy.

What about Lindsey Lohan's one day? Does that mean these girls are on the way out or on the way up ? What does it all mean? !

Martha Stewart got many months (for really just being unlikable), and look what it did for her! She's got a new dynasty and bigger and better than ever, she even shook off that mean rep she had, it's cool to like her now, she has street cred as well as all the moolah.

They say the jails are too full in California and they can't be bothered with these petty issues like DUIs and small amounts of cocaine possession, which is why Lindsey Lohan is getting off lightly. Maybe that is true. But are they going easy on everyone, are the jails just as full if you're average unknown offender?

I had to wonder if the police and courts had their hands full in my own area...because for the third time I was pulled over and not cited, when the officer pulled me over and told me, laughing! That I had nearly crashed into his patrol car! I had swerved into his lane (I was rushing to get to my therapist's office, and a few minutes late, I merged without signaling and he was in my blind spot..he put on his loudspeaker and told me to pull into the nearest gas station parking lot).

I did so and was resigned to a ticket, pulling out my wallet and opening my dash to get the registration. The last two times, once in June when I'd gotten a field sobriety coming back from a club (for once i was glad to be out with a non drinker and as its no fun to drink alone, had had just ONE, but the pain pills from my recent broken wrist made me woozy and the officer said my eyes ''looked funny'' thus he put me through the ritual: walk a straight line, touch your nose, recite the alphabet etc. And to add to my crimes, I was not carrying my driver's licence, and had ''rolled'' through a stop sign.

I dodged that bullet and he let me go with a verbal warning, saying since I was a local and lived nearby, he'd let me go this time.

The other incident was in La Jolla when I ran a stop sign on the way to a party. That officer also let me go without a ticket - perhaps my excessively low cut shirt had something to do with it? he could have cited me on two counts, the stop sign and not having my california license yet.

So this last time, the third, I knew I must have run out of luck.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" He asked. 'I guess because I didn't signal?" "You almost CRASHED right into my car, if I hadn't swerved out of the way, you would have hit me!'' he was laughing, like it was the funniest thing in the world. Never asked me for license, registration or insurance. ''I am SO sorry I said. ''I just wanted to tell you that!'' he said, continuing to laugh, walking away back to his police car. I kept my wallet in my hand, waiting for him to ask me to see my id, but he never did.

I kept thinking about the show I watch on channel called, One, Black men Revealed, as a professional eavesdropper it's dishy stuff..


where some guys sit around and talk very frankly among themselves, it's a fascinating show, you feel like you're in a man's locker room hearing the real dirt.
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Recently they were discussing the treatment they get based on complexion, ie, if a darker hued man is treated differently than lighter. They all had experiences of cops yelling at them OUT OF THE CAR, for no infraction at all, just DWB, and asking accusingly if this is their car if it's an expensive model. Was mine a DWB situation in reverse, driving while blonde instead of driving while black, or are the courts here in Southern California so overflowing with serious cases, they are looking the other way with minor scofflaws like me and Nicole Richie and Lindsey Lohan,and they have to chuckle and look the other way? Not that I'm complaining....

Sure never happened when I lived up north. They were pretty pitiless up there

Karl Rove admits to finally takes off his girdle

....Admits industrial strength foundation garments have been the true secret to his success as he throws passive aggressive brickbats over his shoulder to his former employer. No fool this Rove.



But how could a girdle possibly change the world you ask?



The firm squeezing of the girdle make Spankz seem limp and lame. We are talking old school truss, real militant lift and separating action. Let's face it. When you are relaxed, man boobs swaying gently in the breeze, gelatinous belly joyfully sprung, able to slouch and slump at will, dark plots just don't emanate with the same urgency. Think Jimmy Buffet or Jack Black. Those brothers aren't hatching world takeovers. They are just too darn comfortable.


Now when you have your man girdle on - you are loaded for bear - you're in a state of stiff frustrated Machiavellian readiness; naturally, discomfort + testosterone x power = a virtual sludge factory of dark schemes and geopolitical domination.


Plots bubble up and ooze over, squeezed out of your erect tight man tube like some vile anchovy paste ready to spread all over your Rove world pizza pie.


I know Karl; you're not really all that sorry about the food poisoning most of us got since we ate at least a slice or two (Iraq with onions, Katrina fontina, deep dish corruption, fake news thin crust), but on the bright side, without your girdle you can now eat as much of your own creation as you like and feel just as sick as the rest of us.

Denial Part II

So today, I'm at a little hip vintage shop here in downtown encinitas to replace my cracked sunglasses...and while there, spy this cute puffy little dark gray cotton shrug top..as i eyeball, looks like it'll fit...

the shop is staffed by two lanky pierced tatted 20something guys..and there are a few young women shoppers..i'm the lone ''mature'' person there...

.i ask what looks like the shop proprieter where the nearest mirror is, (none are obviously located in these type of establishments)...

i plan to just put the top on over my very thin t shirt, no need to use a dressing room ..im a bit claustrophobic....

when i hold up the shirt to myself, the dark gray and feminine gathers look amazing with my fair skin -- so flattering!! and it's cheap too!

...i love it when i find something like this..start imagining how cute ill be in various get ups, imagine it with some pretty layered necklaces, camisoles underneath, what makeup ill wear..start setting the scene in my imagination of how great ill look and ill how ill seduce some delectable guy and how he won't be able to resist my charms in my puffy gray cotton top......

...so i pull it on and notice it is a bit snug in the arms but i CAN get it on, (like it's some kind of contest).. but once on i can't get it pulled closed over my ahem, generous, bustline..

..seeing it wont close, or anything close to it..(there are a good six inches between each side).. i disappointedly start trying to take it off....start, try..tug..pull, discreetly twisting...it isn't coming off...it is absolutely stuck on my arms..

..you know when you have something in the back of you and you can't reach behind? like a zippered dress? or a wetsuit or ..you are held hostage by terrorists or ...or you acted out too much in public and the ''authorities'' had to be called and you were ''taken away'' and ''restrained'' ..or that seemingly fun S&M adventure you signed up for went a little off the track ... ??

THAT tight..

..i struggled for several moments..stopped..perspiration..embarassment...and debated ..do i risk tearing this thin cotton ..or do i risk the shame of asking this uber cool tatted hipster to help me get out of this straitjacket..

i glanced over at him and thankfully he was quite studiously avoiding looking my way at my undignified distress, even though he was a few feet away and had to be aware of it

at last *(probably 6 minutes..felt like a lifetime in shame moments) i wriggled free..hung the cute little top on its hanger put it back where it belonged, went to the cash register with my pair of sunglasses, head held medium high and went out into the bright sunday street...my eyes now properly darkened again..

Truth mirror...bulkhead musings...back home and alone..

..so wednesday coming home...i had a hacking cough, felt pretty beat up.....but i got a nice seat right behind first class and thought cool! bulkhead window on row 6 (first on first off ) and the middle is empty! score! ..with a cool lady on the aisle...no little kids adjacent -- location location location !!

..settle in with my magazines and trident splash...when comes through the doorway... a very very large woman.....she's turning this way..oh no...no no no ....the seat spillover issue...well its only a 2 plus hour flight i tell myself..

..turned out not too bad..i had to ask her to move some of her bulk so i could get the tray from inside the armrest..which must have been awkward for her..i could tell she held herself in quite a bit..i am no stick..more like a little thick! ..but to actually overflow the seat, and be seated in the middle...that bulkhead is some desirable real estate to go voluntarily sign up for that...

..i thought about several years ago when i was a bit heavier (quite a bit) than i am but was in major denial about it..i avoided scales, tape measures and full length mirrors

such denial that when i was on a plane (which wasnt often then)..i actually thought they had reduced seat sizes in an airline wide cost cutting measure..and i even openly shared my delusion with other people (on the plane, relatives..)

(it is truly amazing how far people will take their sense of courtesy -- to the extent of not correcting a frank delusion! ....i guess that's why the emperor's new clothes story is such a classic and will always hold true...people would let someone be stark nude on main street and not tell them they're nude rather than hurt their feelings or risk rocking the boat....because no one said anything to correct me -- like: the seats haven't shrunk..or plainer -- you have gotten fat... (or the more polite ''big'' ''husky'' ''large'' ''generously proportioned'' ''plus size'' , even the euphemistic, well maybe youve put on a few pounds..etc)

..and when my clothes were very tight, i actually thought they had shrunk in the wash..amazing the tricks the mind can play..

..i remember Celery and She talking about the Truth Mirror, a special mirror that was touring in Brooklyn..., had a technology that reversed the image so you saw yourself exactly as another person really sees you -- not as you see yourself in the mirror -- which is really a reversed image ..the brain goes into such shock when it sees its actual image that there is a sort of over adjustment -- you process yourself at first as more clownish and a-symmetrical than you really are until the brain adjusts-- picasso-esque..

..the woman demostrating this marvel told them many people cry and sob in despair when they realized how they were actually seen, but a few were happy -- just a few...my daughter was happy. Im sure I would have been upset because Im so asymmetrical.

(The woman was convinced Gore would have won the election if he would have only used the Truth Mirror, and changed the side of his hair part. He wasn't getting the way the public was seeing him she said. )

..denial is interesting ..and the adjustments we make to reality..i wonder what despair we'd all be in if we could absorb even the half of it ...but then we'd course correct and be better off, eh??

post tannerisms and immigration reform

..apparently tanner is none too fond of his brother elliott...i dont know if this kid is stealing all the family thunder, eating all the food, bogarting all the video time, or what..but he has gotten on tanner's bad side in a big way... tanner claims

..he *(the brother, whose name doesnt escape his lips) doesnt even have a BLUE card ..'' ..''what is a blue card?'' i ask...''well you know what a green card is, when theyre not even from this PLANET they get a blue card..'' ..(he) doesnt even qualify for a blue card...

he keeps insisting the offending brother needs to undergo a dna test to see if he's actually even human..

..i offer that since his status is so questionable and we are in roundup lock em up mode, perhaps they should call the INS... yes!! Tanner and Nate shout.. and run to the computer to google to INS. With the right number and contacts, they can get the ball rolling getting this kid sent back to wherever...

..but they got distracted by something else online and besides didnt know what INS stood for..i guess Elliott is safe for the time being...

talk prankly with my NW nephews..

Tanner, age nine, (on the left) says he has traveled to galaxies far away.....and has a friend in southern oregon who has ''killed'' a bum....and never been caught!....we encourage him to move to a new community and find some new friends...

...Nate (on the right) is more law abiding..his worst crime to date: glueing a spoon to his father's hand...

..Barb (old bag dead center)..setting a fire in the school bathroom, bears the great honor of being the first girl in middle school to be swatted with the wooden paddle..

these days, i guess they call it corporal punishment and is a not just a no no but illegal..in fact i think you'd be arrested..but that was the bad old days...of swatting, pinching, sitting the ''bad'' kids in the corner, public shaming of various kinds...

i recall my 7th grade algrebra teacher telling a poor student making her way slowly to the board to work out a problem in front of us all...''can't you move your fat bottom any faster than that, we are waiting!! '' she was on the heavy side for those days...i was mortified for her, at 13 those type of things are searing...

..oh and tanner has a ''prank box'' where he keeps various items of torment for his selected enemies...but when we reviewed them, i felt they were too tame..he needs to up the ante if he wants those creeps and bullies to suffer properly..most of his pranks are of the fecal and bodily fluid nature..typical 9, 10 year old boy stuff...we girls come up with more diabolical forms of ''pranks'' that deal with public shaming and loss of reputation etc...

..having been the SUBJECT of some of those i could share them (having my underwear stolen in 7th grade locker room so i was trapped there), being tripped in the shower when i was mortified at being nude already by the same group of nasty girls...falling splat and losing the precious towel you hugged for dear life at age 12 in a locker room ...

..oh the innocence and bliss of childhood...

Bush's brain (Rove) just resigned!!

...unbelievable! I heard he was emotional....the architect of the Valerie Plame incident and of so much more. It must have been something extreme to have driven him to quit or be forced to, he has been literally Bush's brain and driving force for decades...

I remember seeing Robert Novak a few years back in person during the primaries in New Hampshire (was visiting T & K in Mass. and we decided to drive over and take a look see at the media doings..)..

...the news (that a CIA operative identity had been leaked to the media, in retaliation for her husband's revealing that some of administration evidence for war was faked (yellow cake uraniam etc)...it had just broken but was pretty low key, and apparently Novak was the one who leaked (Rove was the leakee, which may have just come out or he fessed up..)..

..Novak looked quite ashen..as he sat there interviewing someone in a storefront window..he was never charged and i dont think he ever revealed his source, maybe has now?..he apparently got religion though..common jailhouse gambit..or thought it would keep him from the pokey..

..switched from judaism to some version of christianity, think he has a recent book out on it which is supposedly a ''best seller''..(ive heard the reason some of these extremely slanted politically books are book ''best sellers'' is because political and religious institutions buy them up in bulk, ie in the case of anne coulter's trash which is always on the best seller lists , but who has ever heard of anyone, or witnessed anyeon (say on an airplane) actually paying to read one of her diatribes?..and they are ALWAYS on the mark down racks at Barnes and Noble for $1 or $2..so what does that tell you...

.. just watching her talk for a few minutes on tv gives one a sense of such queasiness...

..so the wheel of justice does turn..but what wreckage is left

Eavesdropping at Starbucks..education, and war fodder

..at Gig Harbor Starbucks to get my Sunday fix of NY Times, and try to shake off allergic reaction to a blizzard of cat dander ...

..a 50ish (or 40ish made older looking by old man duds and a pencil mustache..) causcasian guy standing talking to another 50ish cauc. who was sitting at a table with a younger asian woman..who said nothing throughout the ensuing conversation..but looked noticeably uncomfortable..

..''..so I was a DIEHARD Bush supporter until this immigration thing..that just DID IT for me!..." ..(he didnt attempt to keep his tones low which folks often will do on such a topic)...he went on with statistics and how some new legislation was affecting businesses, and how a percentage of Pell grants were going to undocumented people, and thereby not to deserving legal residents, to get a university education, that no one was checking anyone's legal status at the financial aid offices...and how he was just done with Bush because of the illegal alien issue..

..I had to wonder about the status of the woman with the seated man, and why the other man had no sensitivity about how this topic might affect her...not that just because she was Asian meant it WOULD affect her, but her obvious discomfort (and silence, staring straight ahead.. while the man railed) spoke volumes...

..i was wondering about the woman: is she is wife? mail order bride afraid to speak up because her green card hasnt come through yet? ..his maid or assistant? is she interviewing for a position with him? ..either she spoke little to no english or..???

..brought me in mind also to my and my former husband's educations; we made it just under the wire in the early 80s before the government did away with most financial aid except for loans.

We were able to finance our educations with minimal amount of borrowing, albeit at public universities. We lived in student housing, used food stamps, rarely had a working car, but we managed..

..I have been wondering, if these grants were available, or if such as they have in Europe and elsewhere, where students qualify by passing an examination or by high enough grades, and could get into university or vocational training at little to no personal expense...what would our national politics be?? Would this current war ever have been able to be waged at all?

...I don't think it would have been able to take place...there simply wouldn't have been the man/womanpower for it to happen, and it couldn't have happened with mercenaries only (even though currently these are a small but significant percentage of the forces there now).

The young men and women today, mostly go in the the service to pay for the educations or to get a trade. If this reason were not so pressing --- our political landscape I believe would be really different...and the question that follows naturally is, does the status quo serve some very well??

..a cynical question, but one does have to wonder...

Difference (in vibe) between people in the upper right, upper left, and lower right corners of the US

..ie, the NE, the NW, and SW (so. cal).having just spent several weeks in new england, and a brief spell in NYC (that is a-typical for the northeast of course--just as LA is a-typical for california generally)..

well in new england, i will paraphrase the wonderful John Adams biography, quoting John Adams (our 2nd president), where he said in effect, new englanders, while well meaning and hardworking, make a poor showing for themselves, being low on charm and knowledge of the greater world..of course this was speaking of a couple hundred years ago, but there is a still a grim quality to these folks, at least the locals...there is a difficulty to their lives, given the weather, an insularity, the ethnicities tend to keep to themselves..they are good folk, honest..(I left my wallet in shopping basket in stop and shop and it was turned in!)..but not so effusive..

now the northwesterners, they are grim too, but in a more pleasant, low key way, when the sun comes out they are warmer..but there is a subdued quality...matching the often gloomy moody weather...if you approach them they will often jump back and seem taken aback in a way that people on the e. coast or other areas wont..they become quite introverted...now transplants, they dont start out that way...

..of course im generalizing, but i was born there, and my family has been there 100 years..

now in southern calif, my experience has been at least a surface friendliness, warmth and openness...a great many people are transplants...and the sun and lifestyle, which has a hedonistic tinge, lends a cheerful air, even with the frantic energy needed to pay ones bills in the face of expensive housing...

but its lonely too...more later..

Post Script to good deeds and bad seeds..

Well we were wondering what time T's hospice patient left her mortal coil, as it was the same evening as the parking lot hit and run...yes indeed it was 6pm, approximately the same time T set out to see her, and had the notion to go first to the post office..and whereupon the ''incident'' happened that prevented her from proceeding on..

..often the passer seems to not want company at that critical moment..Mom didn't, even though my other 3 sisters were in her room, and had been at her bedside at the end, at home, she left in the wee hours..i think the loved ones hold them back sometimes...

..interesting, if one believes there are no accidents, or in intuition, or if M's spirit prompted her to this errand somehow..

Also, the car bumpers have denied bashing the car, the police reported to T, even though there is a witness...just said they bumped into the bumper, not crunched the side of the car, which they did.

..they are trying to settle it with the bashees, privately per the officer..i wonder if theyll be cited for leaving the scene?? I must admit, in my younger days, i did leave the scene of bumping someone's car..i was even caught at it once, I mustve been in my late teens or early 20s...

..I ''bumped'' this couples car, minor damage..i had some old wreck of car..probably no insurance..back in the day when it wasnt a crime to drive without it...the couple confronted me..i ended up yelling at them..YOU CANT SQUEEZE BLOOD FROM A STONE!! ...yes i was in the wrong..if i could find them now id send them an apology note...

Cats are carnivores, especially Cosmo

Cosmo hunts daily....yesterday he caught, I guess a shrew. Day before it was a rat or a large mouse.

He starts his eathing at the head always, say Grif and T.

Crunching away contentedly, as though he had a mouthful of doritos..T didn't want to look or be reminded of his extreme carnivorous nature, but I was (of course) fascinated and watched...thankfully the little creature was thoroughly dead already...

later, I looked at the same spot and all that remained there were what appeared to be two tiny kidneys, with a mound of black ants making short work of those..curious he left those, instead of the wiry tail, or teeth...

Gig Harbor

Good deeds and bad seeds

...Sister T is...a saint..so are the other two..is it any wonder in comparison I feel a ne'er do well, a layabout, a poor excuse for a g..n sister? ..

she volunteers for hospice, among other good deeds....

so, the other night, she went out to pay a visit to her assigned patient, and en route she decided to make a stop at the post office..when...she happened upon a middle aged couple in the midst of a parking lot hit and run, bashing an older car and attempting to leave the scene...apparently the couple got out to inspect their handiwork, shrugged, then jumped in their late model car and drove off...whereupon my sainted sister T followed them!!!

..and found the couple whose car was bashed and supplied the license plate information..and waited for the police to arrive...the police got the info , adn told her, well, 99% of the time nothing happens (as your id is public record...waht about the other 1%? They hunt you down and exact retribution??),

...meanwhile, the intended hospice patient visit didn't happen, T came back and told Grif and I about it...we questioned if it was safe in this day and age to follow anyone, what if they'd seen her? and had a weapon? Even middle aged, middle class white people can sometimes surprise you with violence....but T is the type who would take that chance....

..so yesterday afternoon she was playing her messages on her answering machine..one was from the hospice coordinator informing her that her patient had passed away that same evening, the evening of the post office hit and run...

T was upset for not seeing her that last time, but I'm wondering if it's just as well...one of her good deeds prevented her from another of her good deeds..kind of ironic ..

C and J are just as do-gooding...funny that as the oldest somehow I am in some ways playing the role of the youngest at times, while J(anine) is the stalwart, take charge, ultradependable sort usually found in eldest sibs

..well I guess i have a do gooder side too..I did try to help a distressed father in gloucester mass last week..he had an autistic son, his wife had gotten locked out of the car, inside were the keys, cell phone (the only one in the family)..she had been gone a long time and he was there with his disabled son...i was watching him, and as i'd recently cared for an autistic child i quickly recognized his child as having it.

he began talking to me, telling me his plight...i impulsively offered him the use of travis or kristin's phone (i didnt have mine with me), and went to get it...he said no, but later agreed..i also offered to watch his son while he went looking for his wife...she was very late, and he was distraught because they were due to go out on a lobster cruise shortly.....later kristin was irritated that id let him use her phone (they were swimming at the time), but i told her i couldnt stand to see a parent in distress like that and not try to help...

..finally an hour or so later his wife appeared, sauntering back..she explained triple aaa just took forever to come...he expressed that i had ''saved his life'' although i did nothing..i think just knowing another human being gives a shit for a moment is a great comfort...

Please don't talk about your cyst on the bus

I am curious about peoples business but yikes, a blow by blow on your congenital cyst and your upcoming day surgery to remove it, on a crowded bus..

Saw my dad today in the nursing home in south seattle...he was sleeping when Teresa and I walked in, mouth wide open and looking frail as always...

keeps insisting he's been there since 1992 and that his former home in Des Moines is now worth 1 million, but other than that was pretty oriented. Teresa helped him fill out a patient survey on his dialysis care. One of the questions was Do you need dialysis, do you have kidney failure; he said, well, I've always maintained all these years that I do NOT have kidney failure as I have no symptoms, so mark ''no''. Kind of interesting, like he felt he better keep up the pretense.

He also reminisced about my mother, saying if he hadn't prevented her from taking the job transfer to Los Angeles (fearing his last two remaining kids at home would be ruined by the fast lifestyle there), she would never have gotten lung cancer, because she took a job at race track selling tickets and had second hand smoke blowing in her face for years....

Apparently he talks about me a lot...an aide there, Felix, who came in to clean him up, asked, are you the daughter from San Diego? Yes, i said..oh, i know about you, he talks about you all the time...

what is a crone?

Dark mother, Goddess of endings, absorber of all